Monday, February 27, 2012

Angsty angst

When it comes to my job, I find myself, quite often, veering from giddiness to just pure down-in-the-dumps. Often, the dips come because of very specific reasons that begin with "e-" and ends with "-ditors," but sometimes the lows can just be so sudden and out of left field that I'm just left questioning what the fuck I'm doing on this side of the world.

I tried my best to explain this to my boyfriend today, but I've never been good at putting my feelings into words (Goodbye, writing career!), especially if it's about things I actually give a shit about. And then other times, when I've spoken the words out loud, I wonder why I think my feelings are all that nuanced after all.

Here it is, in the best way I can describe it possible: I feel like my work feels inconsequential. (Whether or not it is or not isn't the point. It's my feeling of non-being that is putting me off.)

I talk so rarely about my job and my personal feelings here (READ BETWEEN THE LINES, GUYS!!) but when it comes down to it, I think it's really because I'm just afraid that if I'm able to fully explain how I feel about myself/my job (and believe me, so much of my identity is wrapped up in my work existence —one might add "unfortunately" at the end of that) then that would be the end of me. It would be pointless to have these stupid debates in my head about it anymore, because I've already seen, assessed and concluded. Then I would have realized that I have, once again, made something out of nothing, taken nothing and blown it out of ridiculous proportion to assure myself once again that what I do matters.

Here are the things I know for sure—the giddiness now comes from the small things (Getting one good quote from a hard-to-interview person; hell, I'll even settle for a government official picking up the phone and answering my question civilly) and the dips come from the bad moments and from in-between the good moments. Sometimes the lack of clarity in what I want to do, what I need to do and what I can do scares me.

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